Breaking the I Can’t Trap
This podcast episode delves into the intricate dynamics of interpersonal relationships and their profound impact on our emotional well-being. We explore the various dimensions of connection, including trust, communication, and vulnerability, which serve as the bedrock of any meaningful relationship. Through a series of reflective discussions, we elucidate the ways in which these elements can either fortify or undermine our social bonds. We also examine the psychological implications of relationship dynamics, emphasizing the necessity for conscious engagement in our interactions with others. Ultimately, I aim to provide insights that inspire listeners to cultivate more authentic and enriching connections in their lives. The dialogue unfolds with a meticulous examination of contemporary societal dilemmas, delving into the complex interplay between technological advancements and human interaction. A salient theme emerges, illuminating the dichotomy of connectivity versus isolation that characterizes modern existence. We engage in a profound discourse on how digital platforms, while ostensibly designed to foster communication, may inadvertently contribute to a pervasive sense of alienation among individuals. Through an analysis of various case studies and expert opinions, we elucidate the ramifications of this phenomenon on mental health and interpersonal relationships, urging listeners to contemplate the implications of their digital engagements.
Takeaways:
- The discussion emphasized the necessity of adapting our strategies to meet evolving challenges.
- We explored various methodologies that enhance our understanding of complex societal issues.
- I articulated the importance of collaboration among diverse stakeholders in achieving common goals.
- We examined the impact of technology on our daily lives and future economies in depth.
- The episode highlighted the significance of continuous learning in a rapidly changing world.
- We concluded by reiterating our commitment to fostering innovation and critical thinking.
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
Welcome to why this Keeps Happening, the podcast that helps you break free from repeating patterns and create the life you want through our five stage process.
Speaker A:We're Mark and Lynetta.
Speaker B:This episode is based on a real coaching session.
Speaker B:We've condensed it to the key insights and breakthroughs, and we use AI voices to protect our clients complete privacy.
Speaker A:So grab your coffee or your tea or whatever you need, because today's deep dive is an incredibly powerful one.
Speaker B:Oh, I have my coffee right here.
Speaker B:Ready to go.
Speaker A:Perfect.
Speaker A:Because we're going to be breaking down a session I recently had with a client, we're calling her Jennifer to keep everything anonymous.
Speaker A:And the theme we are exploring today is finding the finally moving from absolute hopelessness to self creation.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And you know, I know we've talked about this session off air quite a bit, but listening back to the recording of it, the journey this client took in just a single conversation is wild.
Speaker B:It really is wild.
Speaker B:I mean, when I listened to the tape of your session with her, I actually had to pause it a few times just to process what was happening.
Speaker B:It's completely unconventional.
Speaker B:And we're going to pull out three massive takeaways for everyone listening today.
Speaker B:First, we're looking at depression in a slightly different way.
Speaker B:Not just as sadness, but as a state of perceived absolute powerlessness.
Speaker A:The trap of I can't.
Speaker B:Exactly, the trap of I can't.
Speaker B:And then for the second piece, we are going to look at the exact turning point in the session breakthrough moment.
Speaker B:Right, the crucial moment where you both broke through that trap.
Speaker B:We're going to explore the power of full, unadulterated acknowledgment to release deeply stuck emotional blocks.
Speaker A:That finally, finally moment.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:It's about giving yourself permission to feel the ultimate validation, even if you have to imagine it on a massive global scale.
Speaker A:And finally, we're going to trace how that emotional release opened up the space for her to shift from seeking validation or honestly seeking revenge to actively defining how she actually wants to be loved.
Speaker A:That's the self creation part.
Speaker B:It's a phenomenal set of insights.
Speaker B:And what really struck me about this whole thing is how universal these patterns are.
Speaker A:Oh, absolutely universal.
Speaker B:Because even if the specific details of Jennifer's life look totally different from yours listening right now, the underlying mechanics, the way we trap ourselves in our own beliefs, the way we secretly crave to be heard without someone arguing with us, those are things every single one of us navigates.
Speaker B:And the way we actively push love away while claiming we want it, everyone does it.
Speaker B:This deep dive Is really about understanding the architecture of our own emotional reactions and learning how to dismantle the ones that keep us stuck.
Speaker A:It's about recognizing that you actually have the power to step out of the loop.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:So let's get right into where Jennifer was when we first jumped on the call.
Speaker A:We need to set the scene because it was heavy.
Speaker B:Really heavy.
Speaker A:She was in a place of profound, suffocating hopelessness.
Speaker A:She had recently checked herself into a crisis clinic because she was feeling completely lost.
Speaker A:And on top of that, she was dealing with extreme immediate financial stress.
Speaker B:The car situation.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:She was terrified her car was going to be repossessed at any moment.
Speaker A:She was relying on gifted money from friends just to survive.
Speaker A:She mentioned she had been put on medication, which she said helped lift the heaviest, darkest fog of the sadness.
Speaker B:But it wasn't a fix.
Speaker A:No, not at all.
Speaker A:She told me she still had absolutely zero libido for life.
Speaker A:No dream, no goal, no motivation whatsoever,
Speaker B:which really paints a picture of someone just completely backed into a corner by life.
Speaker B:But, you know, when I was listening to the recording, There was this one moment that genuinely made me stop and rewind.
Speaker A:I know exactly what you're going to say.
Speaker B:Because amidst all this terror of losing her car and being totally broke, she.
Speaker B:She admitted to feeling this strange sense of.
Speaker B:Glee.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:She used the exact word glee.
Speaker B:A literal giddiness when she had no money or responsibilities.
Speaker B:Like, how does that happen?
Speaker B:Because from the outside, you would expect pure panic.
Speaker A:Pure terror.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:I mean, if I'm worried about the repo man taking my car in the middle of the night, I am not feeling glee.
Speaker B:But she described this relief almost like this feeling of being on a mandatory vacation from life.
Speaker A:It's a fascinating paradox, right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And it's actually the perfect entry point into understanding what's really happening beyond.
Speaker A:Beneath the surface of her burnout, we think of losing everything as the ultimate nightmare.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:But for her, the nightmare was the daily grind of forcing herself to fit in.
Speaker A:She was completely and utterly exhausted by the pressures of what she called adulting.
Speaker B:Yeah, that word always hides so much weight.
Speaker A:It does.
Speaker A:She felt like she was constantly performing, Constantly trying to survive in a world where she felt she fundamentally didn't belong.
Speaker B:Okay, let's unpack that for a second, Because I think a lot of people listening can secretly relate to that feeling of exhaustion.
Speaker B:It's like when you are pouring all of your energy into maintaining a life or a Persona that feels entirely disconnected from who you really are, Failing actually feels like a relief.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker B:Losing the Car, losing the apartment.
Speaker B:It means you don't have to keep up the act anymore.
Speaker B:The game is over and you can just rest.
Speaker A:It's like if you've been carrying a hundred pound backpack up a Mountain for 10 years and someone finally says you can put it down.
Speaker A:The glee she felt was the sound of a deeply exhausted soul who saying, thank goodness I don't have to push this boulder up the hill today.
Speaker B:She even laughed about it during the session.
Speaker A:She did.
Speaker A:She said she secretly loved just being taken care of and doing nothing.
Speaker A:She didn't want to make any more decisions.
Speaker B:But of course, that glee is a trap in itself, because it's temporary, right?
Speaker A:The real world is still there.
Speaker B:Eventually, the reality of survival kicks back in.
Speaker B:You need to eat, you need shelter.
Speaker B:And that's where we get to this concept of depression functioning as a state of absolute powerlessness.
Speaker A:Yes, this is a huge point.
Speaker B:When I was reviewing your notes from the session, you pointed out how her depression was locked in by these absolute beliefs.
Speaker B:Explain how that works.
Speaker B:Because it's not just about feeling sad, Right?
Speaker A:This is so crucial for the listener to grasp.
Speaker A:Depression often operates as a state of perceived absolute powerlessness.
Speaker A:And notice I emphasize the word perceived, perceived.
Speaker A:It happens when we adopt incredibly rigid absolutes about our lives.
Speaker A:We tell ourselves, things must be exactly this way for me to be okay, or things cannot possibly be that way.
Speaker B:We make these unbreakable rules.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:We create these unyielding rules about how the world works, how people should treat us, or what we need to do to survive.
Speaker A:And reality's messy.
Speaker A:It never perfectly matches our rigid rules.
Speaker B:Never.
Speaker A:So when reality inevitably clashes with our demands and we feel we have zero power to change reality to fit those rules, we just collapse.
Speaker B:We fall into the gap between what we demand reality to be and what reality actually is.
Speaker B:And that gap feels like an unbridgeable chasm.
Speaker A:And sitting right at the bottom of that chasm is the belief, I can't, I can't.
Speaker B:It's such a tiny phrase, but it is a massive, incredibly sticky trap.
Speaker A:Jennifer's internal conflict illustrates this perfectly.
Speaker A:On one hand, she told me she desperately wanted to live her life entirely by her own beliefs.
Speaker A:She wanted to completely retreat from society.
Speaker B:So you talked about the meditation retreat, right?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:She specifically talked about how much she loved going to the silent meditation retreat because no one could talk to her, no one could push their beliefs on her, and she could just be completely free from outside commentary.
Speaker A:She wanted everyone to leave her alone,
Speaker B:which, honestly, is a beautiful desire for peace.
Speaker A:It Is.
Speaker A:It really is.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:But then, on the other hand, she recognized a fundamental human truth.
Speaker A:You cannot survive entirely without other people.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:You need society.
Speaker A:You need an income.
Speaker A:You need some level of cooperation just to buy groceries.
Speaker B:And right there is the crux of her paralysis.
Speaker B:I remember listening to her explain this and thinking she has literally boxed herself into a corner where no move is a good move.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker B:She has this deep desire for total independence from the opinions and judgments of others.
Speaker B:But she feels trapped by the physical reality of forced dependence on society for survival.
Speaker A:It's an impossible bind.
Speaker B:It really is.
Speaker B:If she stays in society, she feels she has to perform like a trained monkey to fit in and endure everyone's judgments.
Speaker B:If she leaves society, she can't survive.
Speaker B:Survive.
Speaker B:Therefore, her brain concludes there is no solution.
Speaker B:I can't be myself and I can't survive.
Speaker A:That absolute I can't is the engine of her hopelessness.
Speaker A:It's a structural trap built entirely out of her own conflicting beliefs.
Speaker A:And when you are in that trap, you feel like you have zero power.
Speaker A:You feel like life is just happening to you and all you can do is suffer through it.
Speaker B:But that perceived lack of power is exactly what it is of perception.
Speaker B:It reminds me of the discussion we've had before about Viktor Frankl.
Speaker A:Oh, yes.
Speaker A:Perfect connection.
Speaker B:For those listening who might not know, Victor Frankl was a psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust.
Speaker B:He wrote an incredibly powerful book called Man's Search for Meaning.
Speaker B:And his story just blows my mind every time I think about it because it completely destroys the excuse of my circumstances make me feel this way.
Speaker A:His insights are foundational to this kind of work.
Speaker A:The Nazis stripped Frankl and the other prisoners of absolutely everything.
Speaker A:Their homes, their families, their clothes, their basic human rights, their physical autonomy, everything.
Speaker A:They were subjected to unimaginable horrors.
Speaker A:They had literally zero external control over their lives.
Speaker A:And yet, in the middle of a concentration camp, Frankl realized something profound.
Speaker B:This is the best part.
Speaker A:He realized that even when every single ounce of external power is taken from you, no one, literally no one, can control your internal essence or how you choose to react to your circumstances.
Speaker B:It is the ultimate testament to human power.
Speaker B:What Frankl discovered in the most horrific conditions imaginable is that there is a gap between a stimulus, which is what happens to you, and your response, which is how you react to it.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:In that gap lies your freedom.
Speaker B:The guards could control his body.
Speaker B:They could star him, but they could not force him to hate.
Speaker B:They could not force him to despair.
Speaker B:They could not force him to abandon his Inner life or his sense of meaning.
Speaker A:This is so crucial for you listening right now to understand if we apply this to Jennifer's situation, her circumstances, the financial stress, the feeling of not fitting in with society, the threat of the repo man.
Speaker A:Those are the stimulus.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:But she had completely collapsed the gap between the stimulus and her response.
Speaker A:She believed the circumstances dictated her feelings of hopelessness.
Speaker B:The connection between the event and the emotional reaction had become completely automatic for her.
Speaker B:Like a reflex.
Speaker B:If I have no money, I must feel hopeless.
Speaker B:If someone shares an opinion I don't like, I must feel suppressed.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker B:But the truth is that the external circumstances hadn't actually changed yet.
Speaker B:But her interpretation of them was driving her into the ground.
Speaker A:It's all about the thoughts we attach to the events.
Speaker A:I remember a session I had with another client.
Speaker A:Let's call her Rachel.
Speaker A:It's a perfect example of this.
Speaker B:Okay, tell me about Rachel.
Speaker A:Rachel was experiencing severe fears and had thoughts of giving up on her life entirely.
Speaker A:She was terrified of the future.
Speaker A:During our session, I guided her to fast forward and imagine she'd actually done it.
Speaker A:She was dead.
Speaker A:She had passed on.
Speaker A:Wow.
Speaker A:And I asked her, in that visualization, are you afraid now?
Speaker A:And Rachel paused.
Speaker A:And she realized she felt totally peaceful.
Speaker A:There was no more fear.
Speaker B:Wait, let's pause on that, because that is wild.
Speaker B:So you had her imagine the ultimate worst case scenario, the literal end of her life, and her fear went away.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:Because look at the reality of Rachel's situation in that exact physical moment.
Speaker A:She was sitting in a completely safe room, talking to me.
Speaker A:Nothing in her external physical environment had changed.
Speaker A:There was no actual threat in the room.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:But the moment she shifted her thoughts, in this case by imagining she was no longer bound by the physical world and all its pressures, her fear vanished entirely.
Speaker B:That proves that the peace she felt wasn't dependent on changing the external world.
Speaker B:It was entirely dependent on changing her internal narrative.
Speaker B:Her feelings were generated by her thoughts about the future future, not directly by the circumstances of the present.
Speaker A:Which means the power is always, always in our hands.
Speaker A:Even when it feels like we are at the absolute bottom of the deepest well.
Speaker A:Our feelings are a compass telling us what we are currently believing, not necessarily what is objectively true in the world.
Speaker B:So I want to turn this directly to you, the listener.
Speaker B:Think about your own life right now.
Speaker B:Think about the areas where you feel stuck or frustrated or totally burned out.
Speaker B:What are the rigid absolutes you're holding onto?
Speaker A:In where's your I can't trap.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Where are you telling yourself this absolutely must be this way or I cannot possibly do that.
Speaker B:Is it I can't leave this job because I'll never make this much money again?
Speaker B:Is it I can't set a boundary with my mother because it will destroy the family.
Speaker A:Because the moment you locate that rigid belief, you found the exact spot where you were giving your power away.
Speaker B:It's a challenging self reflection.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:We often disguise our rigid beliefs as just being realistic.
Speaker B:Oh, all the time I'm just being realistic, Mark.
Speaker B:I'm 48 and broke.
Speaker B:But if a belief leaves you feeling completely powerless and hopeless, it is worth questioning its absolute truth.
Speaker B:You might not be able to change the fact that a bill is due tomorrow, but you have total authority over whether that fact means you are a fundamental failure as a human being or simply a person navigating a difficult financial moment.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:The difference between those two interpretations is the difference between crippling depression and resilient problem solving.
Speaker A:That is so well said.
Speaker A:But as you and I both know, just telling someone to change their thoughts when they're in the thick of that hopelessness is basically useless.
Speaker B:Oh, totally.
Speaker B:If someone told me to just look on the bright side when I was terrified of losing my car, I would probably punch them.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:You can't just slap a positive affirmation over a deep, heavy emotional block.
Speaker A:Which brings us to the core of this entire session and really the most fascinating part of the tape.
Speaker B:The breakthrough.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:How do you actually break out of that trap when the emotions are so incredibly dense?
Speaker A:Because Jennifer was carrying a massive amount of resentment and anger specifically directed at her family.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Moving into the second segment, this is the crucial moment we want to highlight because the approach you took here was so unexpected.
Speaker B:When I was listening, I kept thinking you were going to guide her toward forgiveness.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And instead you went in the complete opposite direction.
Speaker A:I had to.
Speaker A:The standard advice when you are holding onto anger or a grudge is almost always some variation of let it go or be the bigger person or rise above it.
Speaker B:Forgive and forget.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:We're taught that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Speaker A:And sure, there is truth to that in the long term, but forcing yourself to let go of an emotion you haven't fully processed is like putting a fresh coat of paint over black mold and pretending the wall is fixed.
Speaker B:It just pushes the emotion deeper.
Speaker A:It festers.
Speaker B:You're just pretending not to be ang.
Speaker B:Which actually takes more energy than just being angry.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:So let's look at Jennifer's grudge.
Speaker A:She had this intense, burning resentment toward her cousin Emily.
Speaker B:A golden child.
Speaker A:Emily was the golden child of the family in Jennifer's eyes.
Speaker A:Everybody loved Emily.
Speaker A:Everybody bowed down to her.
Speaker A:Can she look successful?
Speaker A:She made money.
Speaker A:She played the game perfectly.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:But Jennifer felt she knew the truth, that Emily was fake, that she wasn't truly happy, and that she was wronging Jennifer in some deep unspoken way by just existing as this perfect standard Jennifer could ever meet.
Speaker B:But what was really interesting in the session is that when you dug into it, Jennifer didn't even have a specific memory of Emily doing something horrifically bad to her.
Speaker A:No, not really.
Speaker B:It wasn't like Emily stole her life savings.
Speaker B:Emily had just become the avatar.
Speaker B:She was the head of the snake for everyone in Jennifer's family.
Speaker B:And really everyone in her life who had ever hurt her, dismissed her, or made her feel unseen.
Speaker A:That's a very common habit our brains have.
Speaker A:When we carry a vast generalized sense of being wronged by the world, Our minds often attach all that free floating pain onto a single convenient target.
Speaker B:It's easier to focus on one person.
Speaker A:Yes, it's too overwhelming to be mad at society, so we get furiously mad at our cousin or our boss or our ex.
Speaker A:Emily became the symbol of.
Speaker A:Every time Jennifer's voice was silenced, every
Speaker B:time she was misunderstood.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:Every time her unique perspective was invalidated by conventional society, the anger directed at Emily was actually the accumulated anger of a lifetime of feeling misunderstood.
Speaker B:So when you asked her what she really wanted to do about Emily, her answer was incredibly revealing.
Speaker B:Her ultimate fantasy wasn't just to pull Emily aside at Thanksgiving and say, hey, you hurt my feelings.
Speaker A:Oh, no.
Speaker A:She wanted to destroy her completely.
Speaker A:She wanted to tell her off in the most spectacular way possible.
Speaker A:And more than that, she wanted the entire world to watch.
Speaker A:She wanted all her family, everyone they knew to be present so she could put Emily in her place.
Speaker B:A public execution.
Speaker B:Basically.
Speaker A:Basically, she wanted everyone to have a collective realization and say, oh my gosh, Jennifer is right.
Speaker A:She sees the truth.
Speaker A:We were all wrong.
Speaker A:Emily is a fraud and Jennifer is brilliant.
Speaker B:Now this is where I want to push back a little, or at least play devil's advocate for the listener.
Speaker B:Because when I heard her say that, my immediate thought was, wow, that is incredibly toxic.
Speaker B:Sure, if a friend told me that was their fantasy, I might gently say, hey, don't you think that's just feeding your ego?
Speaker B:Doesn't indulging a massive revenge fantasy just make the anger worse?
Speaker A:Right, that's the logical assumption.
Speaker B:Like, how does making her a global dictator in her mind actually heal her?
Speaker B:Why didn't you try to talk her down from that ledge?
Speaker A:It's a great question, and it's why this technique is so powerful.
Speaker A:Think of her anger like a massive pressure cooker.
Speaker A:If you just cap a boiling pot and tell it to calm down or let it go, it explodes.
Speaker B:You have to relieve the pressure.
Speaker A:You have to give the steam a place to go.
Speaker A:By trying to talk her out of the fantasy, I would just be another person invalidating her feelings.
Speaker A:Which is exactly what caused the anger in the first place.
Speaker B:Ah, I see.
Speaker A:She was starved for validation.
Speaker A:So instead of telling her to drop it, I told her to lean all the way into it.
Speaker A:I wanted to blow the fantasy up to a cosmic scale so she could finally experience the feeling she was desperately chasing.
Speaker B:Walk us through exactly what you said to her in that visualization.
Speaker B:Because the shift in her voice on the tape was chilling.
Speaker A:So I asked her to close her eyes, and I said, if you could create this instant where literally every person on planet Earth would be there when you reamed her out and the whole world would see the truth of your words, how brilliant you are, how perceptive you are, how would that feel?
Speaker B:And you really pushed the scale of it.
Speaker A:I guided her to visualize it vividly.
Speaker A:I told her to picture the stadium, picture the cameras, all 8 billion people on this planet getting a collective light bulb moment over their heads.
Speaker A:Eight billion people realizing Jennifer was right all along.
Speaker A:All of them, all 8 billion people bowing to her, apologizing for never listening to her, acknowledging that she saw what no one else could see.
Speaker B:You pushed it to the absolute maximum extreme.
Speaker A:I gave her ego a microphone and an audience of 8 billion.
Speaker A:And the result?
Speaker A:You heard it.
Speaker B:I did.
Speaker A:She had this visceral full body release.
Speaker A:There was this sharp intake of breath, and then she just let out this breathless, overwhelmed.
Speaker A:Finally.
Speaker A:Finally.
Speaker B:It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.
Speaker B:That word, finally is the sound of a deeply entrenched emotional block completely dissolving.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:By giving the ego exactly what it wanted on a scale so massive it couldn't possibly ask for more, the underlying unmet need was instantly satisfied.
Speaker A:Instantly.
Speaker B:This is such a crucial mechanism to understand.
Speaker B:When an emotion or a need is consistently denied, it gets louder and more distorted.
Speaker B:It turns into resentment, fantasies of revenge, or deep depression.
Speaker B:But when you create a safe space to fully 100% acknowledge that feeling without any judgment, without trying to fix it or moralize it, the pressure simply releases.
Speaker A:Because the need wasn't actually to destroy her cousin.
Speaker A:The need Was to be heard.
Speaker A:To be heard without rebuttal.
Speaker A:She specifically said that earlier in the session.
Speaker A:She was so tired of people always having a comeback, always trying to push their beliefs on her, always trying to save her.
Speaker A:She mentioned having a lot of religious folks in her life pushing their doctrines on her, telling her she was going
Speaker B:to hell, which is exhausting.
Speaker A:She just wanted to state her truth and have the world say, we hear you and you are right.
Speaker B:And what's so incredible is how far physical this release was when she breathed in.
Speaker B:That feeling of finally.
Speaker B:She directed it specifically to her throat.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:The mind, body connection there was so clear.
Speaker A:She described feeling all the sadness in the unspoken words literally stuck in her throat.
Speaker A:And as she took in this global acknowledgment, she said it felt like warm honey coating all the sore hurt parts of her throat.
Speaker B:Which makes perfect sense when you think about it.
Speaker B:People hold tension in very specific physical ways.
Speaker B:We clench our jaws when we're angry.
Speaker B:We hike our shoulders up to our ears when we're stressed.
Speaker B:The throat is the center of expression, of speaking your truth.
Speaker B:She had been swallowing her truth for decades to avoid conflict, to try and fit in, to survive in that society.
Speaker B:She felt alienated from that suppression created literal physical tension.
Speaker A:It's a physical block.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And by visualizing the ultimate validation, she gave her throat permission to finally relax.
Speaker A:It's like applying a soothing balm to a burn you've had for 20 years.
Speaker A:During the visualization, I told her to give that finally to the part of her throat that never got it to say to it, you're right.
Speaker A:Everything you have felt and spoken or not spoken is true.
Speaker B:Giving yourself the ultimate permission slip.
Speaker A:We spend so much of our lives waiting for someone out there, Our parents, our exes, our bosses, our cousins, to give us that apology or that validation.
Speaker A:We hold our breath waiting for them to say, you were right.
Speaker B:And the tragic reality is many people will never apologize.
Speaker B:They will never see things your way.
Speaker B:They are living in their own narratives.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:If your peace of mind requires a specific person to act in a specific way, you are a hostage to their behavior.
Speaker B:You are giving them all your power.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:I mentioned my other client, Rachel, earlier.
Speaker A:Rachel was holding onto a massive grudge against her abusive parents, Waiting for an apology they were literally never going to give.
Speaker A:By waiting for the external world to provide the finally, you guarantee your own ongoing suffering.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Because he can't control them.
Speaker A:What this 8 billion person visualization proves is that you don't actually need them to do it.
Speaker A:You can Generate the feeling of being validated internally through your own imagination.
Speaker A:And your nervous system responds to it just as powerfully as if it were happening in real life.
Speaker B:That is the essence of reclaiming your power.
Speaker B:You bypass the external world entirely.
Speaker B:You grant yourself the validation your ego is starving for, which neutralizes the anger and allows you to actually move forward.
Speaker B:Forward.
Speaker A:So I want to pause here and really connect this back to you, the listener.
Speaker A:What does your own finally moment look like?
Speaker B:Seriously, think about it.
Speaker A:Think about the person or the situation that makes your jaw clench just thinking about it.
Speaker A:The argument you keep replaying in the shower.
Speaker A:What is the ultimate, undisputed acknowledgment you are starving for?
Speaker B:Is it your boss admitting in front of the whole company that they took credit for your work and you are actually the genius behind the project?
Speaker A:Or a parent sitting you down and saying, they were wrong, they messed up and you are a good kid.
Speaker B:Or maybe an ex realizing they lost the best thing that ever happened to them and begging for you back.
Speaker A:Whatever it is, I want you to give yourself permission right now to imagine that happening on the biggest scale possible.
Speaker A:Don't censor it.
Speaker A:Don't tell yourself it's petty.
Speaker B:Imagine the parade.
Speaker B:Imagine the global broadcast of their apology.
Speaker B:Imagine them crying and telling you how right you are.
Speaker A:What would it feel like in your body to finally fully receive that validation?
Speaker A:Where do you feel the release?
Speaker A:Is it in your chest?
Speaker A:Your stomach?
Speaker A:Your throat?
Speaker B:Because the secret is, once you let yourself feel it completely, once you give that give to yourself, you might find you don't actually need the real world revenge anymore.
Speaker A:The steam has left the pot.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:And that leads us perfectly into the third and final segment of this deep dive.
Speaker B:Because once you let that steam out, once the block of unexpressed anger and the desperate need for validation is cleared, a massive new space opens up.
Speaker A:But stepping into that new space requires confronting how we have been operating in the world.
Speaker A:Particularly when it comes to love and connection.
Speaker B:Yes, from hopelessness to self creation.
Speaker B:Because once Jennifer had that breakthrough, she had to face some hard truths about her own protective mechanisms.
Speaker A:She couldn't hide behind the anger at Emily anymore.
Speaker B:No, the shield was gone.
Speaker B:And what became very clear very quickly was that Jennifer had a deeply cynical view of love.
Speaker A:To say she was cynical is an understatement.
Speaker A:She was a highly trained detective constantly looking for hidden motives.
Speaker A:She automatically assumed people were just using her.
Speaker B:And what was so fascinating is that she brought this exact dynamic into the coaching session with you.
Speaker B:Even during this profound, supportive conversation where she just had a massive breakthrough.
Speaker B:Her brain was running a background program saying, mark is just getting something out of this.
Speaker B:He just likes coaching.
Speaker B:He's using me.
Speaker B:This isn't real love.
Speaker A:She was literally auditing my compassion.
Speaker B:She absolutely was.
Speaker B:She was trying to poke holes in the safety of your session.
Speaker B:And look, it's a brilliant, if painful, defense mechanism.
Speaker A:It keeps her safe.
Speaker B:If you believe that true love doesn't exist or that you are fundamentally unlovable, your brain will constantly look for evidence to confirm that belief, to keep you safe from disappointment.
Speaker A:It's much safer to say this is fake than to lean in trust and get your heart broken again.
Speaker B:She had become, as you phrased it in the session, a researcher of what love isn't.
Speaker A:A researcher of what love isn't.
Speaker A:I love that phrase.
Speaker A:She had spent her entire life collecting examples of conditional love manipulation and broken promises.
Speaker B:She had a whole library of evidence for why people suck.
Speaker A:And she was very good at it.
Speaker A:She could spot an ulterior motive from a mile away.
Speaker A:But the tragedy of being a researcher of what love isn't is that it completely blinds you to what love actually is.
Speaker B:You are so busy guarding the gates that you wouldn't let anyone in even if they were carrying exactly what you needed.
Speaker A:It's so true.
Speaker A:When I pointed out to her that holding space for someone, letting them be a complete, unvarnished mess, listening to their darkest fears and angriest revenge fantasies without judging them or trying to fix them, is actually a profound act of love, she resisted it.
Speaker B:She wanted to invalidate it.
Speaker A:She wanted to prove it wasn't love.
Speaker B:And I loved your reaction in that moment.
Speaker B:A lot of people, if their intentions were questioned like that, would get defensive.
Speaker B:They'd say, how dare you question my intentions after all the time we've spent today?
Speaker A:Oh, yeah, the ego flares up.
Speaker B:But you didn't do that.
Speaker B:You playfully leaned right into her cynicism.
Speaker B:You said, yeah, I am using you.
Speaker B:I love giving love and I love receiving love.
Speaker B:So I'm getting a lot out of this.
Speaker A:I had to disrupt her pattern.
Speaker A:If I fought her, I would just be giving her more evidence that people are defensive and argumentative.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:You'd be playing her game by agreeing
Speaker A:with her, by saying, yeah, I'm using you to feel good about helping someone.
Speaker A:I forced her to look at her own cynicism.
Speaker A:I held up a mirror and showed her that I had received all of her her anger, her desire for revenge, her pushback without making any of it wrong.
Speaker B:That total acceptance, that refusal to reject
Speaker A:her even when she's trying to push me away short circuited her defense system.
Speaker B:It forced a massive reframe for her.
Speaker B:Because you cannot create a fulfilling, connected life if your entire operational strategy is based on rejecting what you don't want.
Speaker A:No, you can't.
Speaker B:If you go to a restaurant and the waiter asks what you want and you just start listing all the things you hate.
Speaker B:I hate onions.
Speaker B:I hate fish.
Speaker B:I hate spicy food.
Speaker B:You are still going to go hungry.
Speaker B:You have to actually know what you
Speaker A:want to order is the perfect analogy.
Speaker A:She spent her life running away from the onions and the fish, but she had never looked at the menu to decide what she actually wanted.
Speaker B:Never.
Speaker A:The pivotal shift in this session and in life really happens when the internal question changes from a defensive Is this love?
Speaker A:Are they using me?
Speaker A:Is this a trick to an active creative question?
Speaker B:How do I want to be loved?
Speaker A:Yes, how do I want to be loved?
Speaker B:That shift from passive observation to active definition is the leap from victimhood to self creation.
Speaker B:Is this love puts all the power in the hands of the other person.
Speaker B:It leaves you sitting back, arms crossed, waiting to evaluate their performance.
Speaker A:It's a spectator sport.
Speaker B:But how do I want to be loved?
Speaker B:Puts the power entirely back in your hands.
Speaker B:It requires you to know yourself, to articulate your needs and to set the standard for what you will accept in your life.
Speaker B:It means taking responsibility for your own fulfillment rather than expecting others to guess the secret password to your heart.
Speaker A:And let me tell you, that is hard work.
Speaker A:Because the moment you start asking what you actually want, the excuses flare up immediately.
Speaker B:Resistance kicks in.
Speaker A:The resistance kicks into high gear.
Speaker A:As soon as I challenged Jennifer to define what she wanted, she immediately brought up her self limiting beliefs.
Speaker A:She started listing all the factual reasons why she couldn't possibly have the love she wanted.
Speaker B:The age thing.
Speaker A:Yeah, she told me.
Speaker A:She's 48, she's gained weight, she's in perimenopause.
Speaker A:She essentially threw her hands up and said, who the heck is going to love me now?
Speaker B:She was using these physical and age related factors as a shield to shut down the possibility of love before she even had to try.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:I don't have to risk asking for what I want because I'm disqualified from the game anyway.
Speaker B:Which is incredibly common.
Speaker B:We use cultural narratives about aging, beauty standards or past relationship failures as definitive proof that we are disqualified from love.
Speaker B:It's another version of the I can't trap we discussed in the first segment.
Speaker A:Yes, exactly the same trap.
Speaker B:By declaring herself unlovable Due to age or perimenopause, she's protecting herself from the vulnerability of actually stepping into the arena.
Speaker B:If you declare the game is rigged and you can't win, you don't have to risk playing.
Speaker B:You can just sit in the stands and criticize the players.
Speaker A:But I wasn't going to let her sit in the stands.
Speaker A:And this is where you came into the session in spirit.
Speaker A:Anyway, I loved that because I immediately shut down her excuse by bringing in our own personal reality.
Speaker A:I told her, listen, I met my partner when she was 4, 49 years old.
Speaker A:She was dealing with the exact same perimenopause, the exact same weight fluctuations, all the messy human stuff, and it didn't matter at all.
Speaker B:It was completely irrelevant to the love we built.
Speaker A:Irrelevant.
Speaker A:I loved hearing you share that on the tape because it completely dismantled her argument that her circumstances made love impossible.
Speaker A:It proved that her limitations were just beliefs, not absolute facts.
Speaker A:She was using her age and her hormones as an excuse to hide.
Speaker B:The core message here is so empowering.
Speaker B:You do not have to perform like a trained monkey to earn love.
Speaker B:And you do not have to isolate yourself in a fortress of cynicism to protect your beliefs.
Speaker A:You don't have to be perfect.
Speaker B:You don't have to be perfect or 25 years old or wealthy to be worthy of profound connection.
Speaker B:You can actively decide what you want, communicate it and invite it in.
Speaker B:But you have to put down the shield first.
Speaker A:If we synthesize everything we've covered today, the trajectory of this deep dive is very clear.
Speaker A:It starts with recognizing the I can't trap of depression and hopelessness, understanding that your external circumstances do not dictate your internal state.
Speaker A:Then it moves through that crucial phase of extreme acknowledgment, allowing your unexpressed emotions and unmet needs to be fully felt and validated, Even if you have to imagine 8 billion people bowing to you to do it.
Speaker B:The warm honey in the throat.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:And finally, once that space is cleared and the steam is out of the pot, it ends with self creation.
Speaker A:It ends with putting down the magnifying glass you use to find the flaws in everyone else's love and picking up a pen to write your own definition of how you want to be loved and how you want to live.
Speaker B:It's a profound roadmap, and I really want you, the listener, to take this to heart.
Speaker B:Think about your own habits and relationships.
Speaker B:Are you a researcher of what love isn't?
Speaker A:Stop looking for the hidden traps in the love and support that is already around you.
Speaker B:Stop rejecting people because they don't love you perfectly or because they trigger your old fears.
Speaker B:Instead, start actively defining what true support, true safety, and true love look like for you.
Speaker A:What are your actual standards and are you willing to communicate them instead of just secretly testing people to see if they fail?
Speaker A:This is how you move from being a victim of your past patterns to the creator of your future.
Speaker B:It requires courage.
Speaker B:It is much easier to sit on the sidelines and critique how everyone else is getting it wrong.
Speaker B:Jennifer even admitted on the tape that she likes to laugh at couples because she thinks their relationships are a mess.
Speaker A:That's a safe place to be, but
Speaker B:it's a very lonely place.
Speaker B:Stepping into self creation means risking failure, risking rejection, and risking being truly seen.
Speaker B:But as we heard in the session, the alternative is a life of never ending sadness and hopelessness.
Speaker B:The choice ultimately is entirely yours.
Speaker A:We have covered so much ground today and I am so glad we got to break this session down.
Speaker A:I honestly think that 8 billion person visualization is something everyone should try the next time they feel a grudge flaring up.
Speaker B:I'm going to try it myself.
Speaker A:As we wrap up this deep dive, I want to leave you with a final provocative thought to mull over on your own.
Speaker A:We've talked a lot today about satisfying the need for revenge or validation through visualization.
Speaker A:We talk about letting the steam out of the pot.
Speaker A:But here is the next layer, the ultimate question.
Speaker B:Okay, what is it?
Speaker A:Think about the biggest grudge or frustration you are holding onto right now, the one that consumes your mental energy.
Speaker A:If you received the ultimate, undisputed apology from the universe today, if everyone bowed down, validated your pain, and said you were 100% right, what would you actually do with your life tomorrow?
Speaker A:Wow.
Speaker B:That is the hardest question of all.
Speaker B:Because often we use the fight, the grudge, the feeling of being misunderstood as a distraction.
Speaker A:It gives us a purpose, even if it's a painful one.
Speaker B:It keeps us from having to figure out what we actually want to build.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:Once the fight is over, once the enemy is vanquished and you are proven right, who do you choose to become?
Speaker A:When you no longer have anyone to push against, what do you pull toward you?
Speaker A:Think about that.
Speaker B:That's powerful.
Speaker A:If you want additional support for you and your relationships, visit whythiskeepshappening.com there you can download resource guides and sign up for life coaching.
Speaker A:Subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode and if this resonated with you, please leave a review to help others find the show.
Speaker B:We'd love to see you there.
Speaker A:Release the past.
Speaker A:Reclaim your power.
Speaker A:Start now.
